


The Cost of Happiness

by expectingtofly



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel and Dean Winchester Cry, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Castiel's deal with the empty, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Love Confessions, M/M, Possible Character Death, Season/Series 15 Speculation, The Empty (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:42:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26991574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/expectingtofly/pseuds/expectingtofly
Summary: So it was over. Well and truly over. Jack had saved the world as Castiel always knew he would. The world would be different now, more peaceful, quieter.Castiel began to smile at the thought, but the expression faded from his face before it was fully formed.Not over, not everything, not quite yet. He closed his eyes and breathed in. It would soon be time, he knew it.When the world is saved, Castiel knows he's the happiest he could ever be. So, he waits for the Shadow of the Empty to make good on their deal.If only it wasn't so hard to say goodbye to Dean.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 13
Kudos: 84





	The Cost of Happiness

**Author's Note:**

> I told myself I wasn't going to make myself all sad and write about the Shadow coming for Castiel,,,, but here we are. whoops.

So it was over. Well and truly over. Jack had saved the world as Castiel always knew he would. The world would be different now, more peaceful, quieter. 

Castiel began to smile at the thought, but the expression faded from his face before it was fully formed. 

Not over, not everything, not quite yet. He closed his eyes and breathed in. It would soon be time, he knew it.

At the sound of footsteps, he opened his eyes. He knew who was approaching before Dean entered the room. 

“Dean,” Castiel said, standing. He was going to miss saying that name. 

“There you are.” Dean walked forward, before his footsteps faltered and he paused. “Are you...” His eyes roamed over Castiel. "Are you okay?”

Castiel started to nod, then he realized what Dean was really asking.

_Are you happy?_

Ever since he had told Dean about his deal with the Shadow, the knowledge of his fate had weighed heavily between them. In unspoken agreement, they had pushed away any thought of it to focus on the here and now, on protecting the world, on Jack defeating God. 

But now it was time. The deal hung between them now, ominous, thick like fog. It wasn’t right, that happiness could be so foreboding. Such a cruel trick by the Shadow.

Castiel sighed and stepped closer to Dean. “I’m tired.”

“Yeah, me too.” Dean looked relieved, though still a little wary. Castiel stopped in front of him and studied him, though, truly, he didn’t need to study Dean’s face to recall it. It was ingrained in his mind. The line of his jaw, his freckles, his so very green eyes, this body Castiel had rebuilt, the face he’d gazed at for hours when he first met Dean, as Dean slept. 

“I’m so proud of Jack,” he said, pushing those early memories away. "He did it. I knew he would.”

Dean nodded, smiling a little. "He was incredible.”

Castiel mirrored Dean’s smile. He felt a deep relief that he hadn’t felt in ages, maybe ever. Jack, Sam, and Dean were safe. The world was quiet. What more could he want? He was the happiest he could ever be. 

“And, Dean, I’m… I’m happy.”

Dean’s smile vanished. “No,” he whispered. Castiel didn’t fault him for his reaction. He felt a similar panic starting to rise in his veins. That after all this time, the one thing he should fear was happiness. He could feel it, the Shadow. Sinister and foreboding. He spread his fingers wide, felt the chill seeping into the room.

“Fuck, Cas, no.” Dean looked around the room, as if expecting the Shadow to appear suddenly, quickly, and snatch Castiel away. Castiel knew it would come slowly, menacingly, taunting. Instinctively, he reached out and touched Dean's arm, fingers trailing over his sleeve, before dropping his hand to his side. 

Dean swallowed, returning his eyes to Castiel’s, and Castiel looked beyond his face to his soul. So bright, so precious, so fragile, yet so incredibly strong. He felt in awe at the sight as always. 

He couldn’t forget how it shone, he couldn’t, but in the Empty, in deep sleep, he wouldn’t remember a thing. 

He was supposed to be happy now, but instead he felt a sadness weighing on his shoulders that made him want to crumple. Maybe happiness always came with such sorrow.

Pushing his shoulders back, he tried to put on a brave face for Dean’s sake. "I can feel its presence. It’s close.”

Dean looked scared, genuinely scared, and Castiel knew it was an emotion that did not come easily to him. “Cas, it can’t, not now, you can’t go.” 

In a rush, he grabbed Castiel’s hand and Castiel looked down in surprise. He studied their hands, held together, then raised his head. Dean’s eyes were red; he was crying, and the sight sent a pang through Castiel’s chest. 

He had not expected Dean to look so broken. _It will fade,_ he told himself. Dean will be able to move on, have a happy life, maybe even start his own family. Tears pricked his eyes and he blinked them away. “I don’t have a choice."

“You had a choice—“

"Yes, I did, and I do not regret the deal I made. I saved Jack’s life, and because of that, he saved the world. You and Sam are alive. You can live your own lives now, you’re free. You can be happy.”

Dean shook his head. “I can’t, I can’t.” He gripped Castiel’s hand tighter. "We need you, I need you.” 

_I need you._ Castiel had heard him speak those words before. Words that brought him back from the brink, that made him hope there could be more between them, that Dean could feel more.

Wheeling around, Dean scanned the room and Castiel followed his eyes, expecting to see the snaking, black, metallic ooze curl from the corners of the room. 

Nothing yet, but Dean yelled, “You sonuvabitch, come out here! We need to talk! You can’t have him, we’ll make a deal!” He began to pull his hand from Castiel’s and Castiel grabbed it with both of his own.

“Dean, no—“ Dean turned back to look at him, at their hands, his face registering surprise. “It’s a deal that brought me to this place,” Castiel said. "I won’t let you or Sam or Jack sacrifice anything else.” Dean started to protest and Castiel squeezed his hand, silencing him. “You will be happy without me. I’m not... needed anymore. I’ve made peace with this. It’s my time to go.”

“Not needed—?“ Dean started and his voice broke. “Cas, that’s not all you are to us, you're family.” 

Castiel waited for him to add _our brother_ , like he’d done years ago—the words that had told Castiel where they stood, the words that he had accepted quietly though he'd felt such a deep disappointment. 

But Dean didn’t call him a brother. He only clung to Castiel’s hand, tears running down his face. 

“I know,” Castiel said and realized he himself was crying. Tears slid down his cheeks to his neck, an unfamiliar sensation. “I know, and you’re my family too.” Maybe he meant to say _all of you_ —Sam, Jack, Eileen—but he said _you_ and looked in Dean’s eyes and knew it was what he meant to say, wanted to say. 

He took a shaky breath. There were so many other things he wanted to say, before he ran out of time. “I have felt close to you since I first saw your soul in hell. We’re bonded together, tied to each other.” Dean was shaking his head and Castiel wanted to reach out and wipe the tears from his face, but he forced his hands to remain enclosed around Dean’s. "I thought it was my mission to take care of you, but it was you who helped me. You taught me about free will, about family, about sacrifice—"

“Cas, please,” Dean begged. For what, Castiel didn’t know. To stay? To leave quietly?

“Thank you, Dean. For everything. I’m truly happy.” He waited for the words to spark something, anything, but the room remained silent, the Shadow yet to appear. 

_It’s trying to torture me,_ he thought. To draw out this moment as long as possible. “Tell Sam and Jack—”

“No.” Dean shook his head, more determined now. “No, because you’re not going. I won’t let you.”

“Dean.” He never knew it would be this difficult to leave him. Maybe he’d known.

“Cas, I love you.” 

Castiel stared at him. Dean set his jaw and looked back, his gaze resolute. 

Was there more? _As family, as a brother._

“I love you,” Dean repeated, and this time his eyes went soft, his expression tender, tears steadily trickling from his eyes. 

_I love you._ And suddenly it rushed over him, the realization: Dean meant it, truly, in every way Castiel had hoped he could, in every way Castiel felt for him.

Something sparked in his chest, a warmth that spread throughout all his limbs and, _oh._

He was happy. _This_ was happiness. 

“Dammit, Dean,” he breathed, gazing at him, but there was no anger in the sentiment.

Untangling their hands, he grabbed the back of Dean's neck and pulled him down, kissed him deeply. Dean let out a noise of surprise before sinking into their kiss, wrapping his arms around Castiel to draw him closer. 

Wet, salty, desperate, their bodies pressed flush together—this was happiness. Despite the threat looming over his head, Castiel felt a smile pull at his mouth and he pressed it to Dean’s lips.

It was the cold, prickling sensation on the back of his neck that told him it was time.

Slowly, he pulled away from Dean. The look in Dean’s eyes, of love, of grief, made Castiel feel lightheaded. This deep emotion, so new, so young.

“I’m sorry,” Dean said quietly. His voice shook. “I’m so sorry. For everything, for not being there for you, for not being able to stop this, for not telling you…"

Castiel could see black shimmering matter swirling on the floor behind Dean, forming a figure. “Don't be sorry.” Intertwining their fingers once again, he resolutely focused his gaze on Dean.

He pulled back every memory he had of them together: seeing Dean through his vessel’s eyes for the first time, hearing Dean’s prayers in the night, watching his chest rise and fall as he slept, feeling the thrum of the Impala’s wheels beneath them as they drove, touching his fingers to Dean’s forehead to heal him, to feel his grace twine with Dean’s soul. There were other difficult, complicated memories that rose to mind and sent a pang through him even now, but he pushed those away and focused on the ones where he had been truly content and at peace. Happy. 

“I love you,” he told Dean. Reaching out, he touched Dean's face, and Dean closed his eyes, took a deep breath.

_It’s time,_ the Shadow hissed in his mind.

A shiver ran down Castiel’s spine, but he kept his gaze on Dean. “And I’m so happy."

**Author's Note:**

> (and then Jack comes in and kills the Shadow, or something, I don't know, and Dean and Cas live happily ever after. I refuse to believe Castiel will die permanently in the show. I hope I'm not eating my words in a few weeks.)
> 
> feel free to leave me a comment and let me know what you thought :)


End file.
